August 2020

Im alive...barely. To be completely honest this separation from Kyle is a lot harder than I expected it to be. It has actually started to affect me physically. Just the other week I had my first panic attack. It was the scariest thing cause I thought I was having a heart attack. My heart started racing, my hands were trembling, I could barely breathe. It took a solid half hour for me to calm down, and that's when I knew I needed to make some changes and needed to get help. 

My mind kept racing and thinking of all the worst possible scenarios. What if someone breaks into the house? What if I randomly die, who will take care of the kids? I kept thinking of horrible situations and that only ket my anxiety spiraling out of control. I started to have mini seizures where my eyes would lock and fixate on an object for a few seconds before I could gain control again. All these signs told me that I needed to get medical help and thankfully my mom was ready to step in and provide that. She flew into town to help me with the kids and so I could go to the doctors to get checked out.

Thankfully my mini seizures ceased once my stress levels were under control and in order to keep my stress down I needed to get my anxiety under control. So I started taking anxiety medication and it has made the world of difference. I am hoping this is only temporary, and once Kyle is done and back home I can wean myself off the anxiety medication. I have never had a problem in the past, but this separation is really turning me into a crazy lady. Before I didn't really think anxiety was all that bad, but now having it affect my physical health I realize that anxiety can become crippling and taking medication does not make anyone weak, but actually gives freedom to enjoy life once again. I am grateful for modern medication to help me get through this difficult time in my life.

We are trying to make memories regardless Kyle being here or not. I have noticed the kids have been struggling with their separation form their father so I am doing my best to fulfill both the motherly and fatherly roles in their lives. We decided to camp out in the family room, and we also have been making crafts and having playdates with friends. Again, I figure distraction is the best tactic. I even decided to chop off all my hair and start fresh. All the anxiety and stress has been causing me to loose my hair so I hope and pray it starts growing back, but for now I think it looks better short and a little fuller rather than long and stringy.

Just when we were missing our guy too much we decided to drive up to see him. It was our wedding anniversary so we were able to leave the kids with Kaye and Brady so we could have a night out together in Las Vegas. It was just what I needed to fill my canteen for another stretch of separation from Kyle and solo parenting. Just 4 more months to go.

I made some decisions to help our situation, including a big one to move the kids to a different school. Up till now they have been attending Mabel Padgett elementary school which is literally right behind our house. I love how close the school is and have loved everything about it, but since the pandemic all the public schools have shut down and only offer zoom virtual learning. Abby has taken a huge academic nose dive and neither her or Connor can focus being on the computer for hours everyday. I can't sit and help them because I have Layla and Brayden to tend to, and its nearly impossible for the house to be silent for them to listen. 

I prayed long and hard about what I should do, when all of a sudden I heard about a new Legacy charter school opening in west surprise. It was their first year being open and they were offering in person class, as long as the kids wore face masks. I immediately felt good about the school once looking in their academics and standards and decided to pull the trigger and move the kids from public to charter school. We bought all the uniforms, and bunch of face masks, unenrolled them from public school and enrolled them in the charter school, then sent them to IN PERSON to school the next week. Thankfully they have all really enjoyed it and are loving being around other kids. This truly is a tender mercy!

There are always surprises that happen when Kyle is gone. Things always break, kids always get hurt... and in this case we had our first experience with stitches. Brayden jumped off the couch and landed just so perfectly with his ear on the edge of a table that it slice it open right through the cartilage. After many, many hours in the ER, 5 stitches later, and a super brave boy, we were able to leave and go home. I missed  teaching my first couple of dance classes that night but was able to teach the last two classes after our ER adventure. It broke my heart to see my little boy in so much pain, but I am also grateful it was only a minor cut with few stitches in an inconspicuous place, it could have been a whole lot worse. I am officially done, Kyle come back and save me!