January 2020

A new year, a new start. I always love the freshness that comes with January. New goals, new year, new sense of purpose, and a new focus that seems to engulf everyone. This year I hope to finally loose the rest of my baby weight from having Layla, and to be more present in my friends and family lives. 

Brayden got to start his new Preschool program. We had him tested before the winter break and due to his speech delay he qualified for the developmental preschool program where he gets free additional services such as speech therapy. I really hope this helps him cause he has been attending speech with a private speech therapist through our insurance for now almost a year. He is beyond excited to go to school just like Abby and Connor. The nice part is that he is at the same school as Abby so I have two kids at the same school right behind our house and Connor at Crown school. Hopefully next year I can get all three kids at the same school, fingers crossed.

We are taking our annual trip to Japan, but before we flew out of Seattle on the rotator space A flight, we flew into Portland/Vancouver to spend a few days with my parents. We got pretty bad news just before the holidays that my grandma had a stroke that was caused by her cancer that we were all unaware of. We got the news that she was stage 4 pancreatic cancer and that they were moving her to hospice to help easy her last few months/weeks before passing. It has been a hard pill to swallow cause I never thought this day would come, let alone so soon. My grandma has always been there when I was growing up. She and Boopa were at most Sunday dinners, every holiday, all birthdays, and we often would go to their house to see them. I enjoyed living near my grandparents and being raised with them in my life. 

When Boopa passed away 4 years ago I was heart broken and almost in shock. I just figured my grandparents had always been there and that they would continue to always be there. Loosing him was difficult on all of us, but especially my grandma. She went through different stages of grief that often caused her to drift away from her family connections. Upon hearing the news of grandma's soon passing we made sure to go visit her one last time. 

We wanted all our kids to have an opportunity to see their great grandma one last time so we all brought them in to give her a hug and kiss, however we didn't really tell them what was actually happening. We didn't want to upset the kids or make them sad. Besides, they are all too young they do not completely comprehend death and all that it entails. Once the kids each had a moment with their beloved GG (that's what she always like being called by my kids. It stand for great grandma) I got to have some alone time with her. 

What do you tell a woman that you have looked up to your whole life? How do you spend your last moments with someone who you have loved and has been such a pillar who is now weeks or even days away from crossing the veil from this life to the next? I will always remember those last private 15 minutes I had with my grandma. 

I grabbed her hand, but as soon as I touched her I could feel the tears start streaming down my face. I tried to wipe them and replace them with a smile and looked up at her gaunt, jaundice face. I told her how much I have loved her and how much I will always love her. How grateful I was to have her as a grandma and for all her love and support. The hardest part was seeing her struggle with communication as she had suffered from a stroke just weeks ago that had cause lasting effects on her speech and cognitive thinking. Seeing my grandma in such a deteriorating state was almost cruel. 

Before leaving I leaned in to hug her tightly which put my head just above her bright red hair in which I was able to get a deep smell of her scent. I feel like the sense of smell can bring about such powerful emotions and memories cause immediately I was flooded with such warm memories of my childhood while embracing my grandma. She has a scent that is so iconic, so memorable, I will remember it till the day I die. I looked her one last time in the eyes and said "Ill be seeing you soon, ok grandma?" and she replied "Oh honey, I'll be here." As I walked out of the room seeing my grandma for the last time in this mortal life I just sobbed on the other side of the door. Death can be sorrowful, but thanks to my Savior Jesus Christ I know that my promise to my grandma that I would see her soon holds weight. I will see her again, and until that day does come I know she will be watching over me just as she said "oh honey, I'll be here." She will always be here in our hearts and memories.

After seeing grandma we made sure to stop and see Grammie and Nana. Both are not doing too well either and since we don't live close by we never know when it will be our last time seeing them. Grammie was her Grammie self, sitting in her recliner watching her Hallmark shows underneath a blanket. She doesn't remember who we are, but is still the sweetest most genuine person in the world. I love how her loss of memory and aging body has not made her bitter or fearful. She is a pure joy and delight. The Grammie I knew before her strokes that was witty and funny and the Grammie now have one thing in common and that is her sweet spirit and kindness to all. 

Seeing Nana was a little more challenging than before. Seeing her physical body decline to the point where we couldn't even wake her up for our visit, had me concerned that this might actually be might last time seeing her. She is 102 years old after all and everything is starting to shut down on her body. She has lived a full, full life and I will always remember the Nana that was the life of the party at all family gatherings. The Nana that always flirted with Kyle whenever we would come visit her when we were first married. And of course the Nana that would always drive me to my ballet classes and watch me dance through the window with proud supportive eyes. I am so blessed to have these wonderful women in my life and though they are all starting their process of leaving this world behind for the life after, I am grateful that I still have them all currently here on earth with me. 

We spent the last little bit of time before heading to Japan with my parents. I love seeing my parents as grandparents, and how youthful it makes them. My kids absolutely adore my parents, and I am so grateful for their love and constant support. I don't really know what I'm doing as a mom, but my parents are the first to tell me what a great job I am doing at raising my kids. I look forward to my parent's influence and involvement in mine and my kid's lives for many, many years to come. 

Speaking of many many years to come, I cannot believe how fast Layla and Brayden seem to be growing. Slow down time! It is interesting how much Layla is looking more and more like Brayden every day. I feel like I have Abby/Connor who are from the same genetic make up and then I have Brayden/Layla who are from the same build. the first two are "Benhams" and the latter two kids are "Macdonalds." We better stop while we are ahead cause if we have anymore kids I don't know who they would take after ;)