Kyle has labored over his garden and he is now starting to reap the benefits. Everything is growing and blooming and producing fruit/veggies. He is very proud of his "farm" as he calls it cause he thinks it sounds more manly that way. Some days I feel like this garden is his 5th child, he cares for it that much.
I had a wonderful Mother's Day. We spend the day at home (surprise surprise, the quarantine life keeps on dragging on) having home church and playing outside in the beautiful spring weather. The weather is starting to get hot here in Arizona, and we are all anxious to start pool season, maybe in just a week or two the water will be warm enough to go swimming.
Motherhood is hands down the most challenging thing I have ever done. Not only did I carry 4 babies, and deliver them, I have to take care of them for the rest of my life. Despite all the cries, diaper changes, temper tantrums, and complaints, I still love these kids more than anything. I am not going to lie, the transition into motherhood was not seamless for me, and still isn't. I don't think of myself as a nurturing, innate mother. I have to work on it every day, and my patience gets pushed to its limit every day, but I remind myself that even though this is difficult and at times not fun, it is a higher calling that I am asked to do by my Father in Heaven. Motherhood is a special role in which I have the responsibility to look after and care for 4 precious little spirits, and for that trust I am forever grateful.
Kyle left for a TDY so the kids and I decided to drive up to Utah to see Blake and Julee get married. Since all the temples are closed due to COVID and large gatherings are not permitted, they decided to have a small civil ceremony with just family in attendance. The day prior Grandma Kaye took the kids to the aquarium and all the kids loved it, especially the penguins. It made us all think of Lennox and how much he loves penguins and we wished he could have been there with us.
The wedding ceremony was great, and Blake is now officially married, hooray! I am so glad to have Julee in the family, she is so sweet and loving. The next day we drove back to St. George for the weekend with grandma and grandpa, just to break up the long drive back to Arizona.
It was when we were in St. George that we got the dreaded phone call we all knew was coming at some point, but wish some miracle would make it never come. Carly called saying that Lennox had passed away. On May 16th our sweet Lennox passed from this mortal life to the other side of the veil. We are all heart broken and in shock. He was so little, had so much life to live, why him? Why now? So many questions, so much sadness and anger, its hard to express our emotions at a time like this. Let's just say I didn't feel like celebrating my birthday very much the next day.
The following week there was a grave side memorial for Lennox in Florida. Carly and Gary are in the middle of a move from Gainesville Florida to Pensacola Florida. They decided to bury him in Pensacola where they were moving to so that they could go visit him as often as they wanted. All the Benham and Allen family were able to make it and we rented a big beach house for the weekend. It was nice to see everyone, despite the tragic reasoning for our gathering.
At the cemetery when they carried Lennox's casket to his plot I was overwhelmed with emotion. Seeing that tiny casket brought back all those emotions. Anger, guilt, frustration, hurt, betrayal, but above all of that, love. He was such a loved little boy and forever will be. I cannot wait for our reunion in heaven, and I pray till that day comes that those of us left behind on this earth can cope and carry on with our lives as best as possible. My heart aches for Carly and Gary. The thought of loosing a child alone makes me tear up. I hope they get as much support as they need during this very difficult time.
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